It won't make sense to anyone

The lies I told
For everyone else's comfort and truth,
but my own.
To protect myself from more pain.

I knew I had to hide what I felt
They never made it safe to sing
the song my heart was writing in the background

I denied my feelings in conversation
but slip up and blurt them out all on my own
Usually after being up there and around her
Then I have to lie to cover my lie in denying my feelings in the first place.
How was that environment made safe to talk about my feelings honestly?
Any time I'd try to, in the vaguest of terms, it caused a blow up fight
And she already told me she couldn't reciprocate so,
I didn't want to keep shoving my feelings in her face
Knowing she couldn't do anything with them
I didn't want to actually make her uncomfortable
I kept my distance from her
So, I talked about them with the least trustworthy people
I was told to not trust them years ago by a couple different people
"Be careful what you tell them, they use stuff you say against you,"
And I thought because we were friends that they wouldn't do that to me
🤡
Blindly trusting someone who had a username with "shitdisturber" in it.

My feelings never came and went
They never left.
I knew the things they were saying about what I felt weren't true,
(What little I did know)
I think it made me silently cling harder to the feelings, my truth.
I loved her.
I love her, still.

But I think that silent clinging to my feelings, to her
Just made those feelings stronger than they should have been
Just her being herself was enough for me to love her,
But I fell in way too deep, for what she gave.
Their actions also made me mentally place more value on her than them.
When I felt like I fully lost her, I could leave for good
Leave the abuse, the constant discomfort,
being made the problem, being made to feel like I'm dangerous
for loving someone.

I never knew how she actually felt,
they'd say one thing, she'd say another
It was how she started to move,
it aligned more with what they said she felt.
It felt safer to believe them than her.
She said she couldn't reciprocate my feelings
but she said she wasn't uncomfortable that I had them
She wasn't uncomfortable that I thought she was pretty
What was I supposed to do?
I wanted to be with her so bad,
More than I wanted anything to do with their "friendship"
I said I didn't want to date her.
The biggest fucking lie I told
She couldn't reciprocate anyways,
I was told by them that she was uncomfortable with me
Even though she said she wasn't
But was acting and moving like she was,
I know she's a people pleaser,
they hate conflict and will avoid it like a plague
I should know...
Was she just being nice to my face or was it how she actually felt?
Was everyone playing in my face?

I lost so much of myself in her supposed discomfort
"Stop doing that, it's making her uncomfortable"
And with zero input from her, usually
I'd just completely remove parts of my personality
Being shamed for who I am.
When the shit they claimed was so gross, disgusting and uncomfortable
They were living it up and acting just like the old me on tiktok live.
Like go fuck yourselves

If you have to dim the light of those around you
just so you can take on their light, to shine
You are dull AF.



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